The Clarion

Issue date: 3/10/10 Section: Opinion

Media Credit: MCT Campus

"See that man with the bag of candy over there?" "Yes, Mommy. I see him." "Well that's not candy: it's poison! That man hates you, and if you talk to him he'll try to kill ya! Because he's crazy! You understand me?! He's crazy! Do you know what crazy looks like, Little Johnny? Do you know what it looks like?!" "Yes, Mommy. I think I know what it looks like."

I have been pondering, as I often like to ponder the things that no one takes the time to ponder, why it is that so many people are unwilling to talk to strangers. My only conclusion can be that our mothers and fathers were so effective in their "don't talk to strangers" speech that we have been frightened out of our one-piece pj's so badly that we would rather dive behind a peeing dog than talk to someone we don't know.

If, of course, there is some pretext for talking to the stranger such as, "Excuse me, could you pass the condiments? No, the condiments. Oh don't be gross," then we are perfectly comfortable.

However, absent this purpose for opening one's mouth, we hardly even look at the stranger next to us at the cafeteria table, let alone strike up a conversation. Well I say no more.

There is nothing more exciting when in proximity to a stranger than asking the most random of questions and seeing what you find out. Take The Buzz for example: "What would you name your own band?" A perfect, random question to ask strangers because frankly, who hasn't thought about it before?

I personally would have to go with Monkey's Junk. No, no wait! Come back! I didn't mean it! (See, you have to be careful. Some people are just far too sensitive. Take really macho guys for instance. Never ask a really macho guy if his dad has been asking about you. Just wanted to pass that little safety tip along.)

Strange but "safe" questions are the perfect icebreakers for awkward stranger silences. If you find yourself trying to go around someone who is trying to go around you but you keep moving simultaneously and blocking one another's path instead of saying, "excuse me," asking, "Did you hear Monkey's Junk is in town?" is far more likely to ease the frustration of these mutual human roadblocks and you'll probably have a new friend. Aw.

The most uncomfortable of stranger moments is, of course the up-close-and-a-little-too-personal touch-and-go bus ride.

The worst part about this situation is that there are no peeing dogs nearby to hide behind. Yet, until the bus reaches the desired destination, two strangers are forced to remain in frightening and offensive proximity to one another.

A sincere question along the lines of, "Do you know if you can catch a rash through denim?" is sure to cure the discomfort, if only by launching the stranger away from you.

Be forewarned however. Thinking of random questions to ask strangers is not nearly as easy as it sounds. The only thing worse than not talking to a stranger at all is attempting to talk to a stranger and failing miserably.

There are a number of unfortunate turn-off signals that expose any talking to a stranger beginner. Of these, violent twitches are by far the most intimidating. If you find yourself twitching violently while addressing your stranger of choice, abort! Find the nearest peeing horse, dog, or soon-to-be-arrested human and abort!

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